I have been sitting on this post for a long time. About a year actually. Its taken that long for me to be really sure there was a necessary message here and that I wasn’t coming from a reactive place, because for a long time I was. You see this is a pretty personal post, but one after a lot of deliberation I really want to share.
I woke up one day last year, to find myself in an abusive relationship. There, I said it. Done.
The tricky thing is that I wasn’t just in one abusive relationship. I was in two. One with the man I was with and one with myself. I’ll let you sit with this for a moment because its an important thing to understand, that one couldn’t happen without the other. This has nothing to do with blame or fault or making things that aren’t ok, ok. Its about knowing what kind of environment things need to grow in.
Let me give you a bit of a back story to this monumental day in my life, the day I set myself free from a lifetimes belief that bound me to thinking small, dreaming small and keeping myself playing small when in relationships… which is to say, all the time, forever since the beginning of time!
I’m not great at being in a relationship and taking care of myself… out of respect for your boredom and the people involved lets just let that sit as a happy generalisation. (No one got hurt in the making of that generalisation so we’re going to run with it)
But what I learnt that day is that I had been hard wired somehow to believe that within an intimate relationship I needed to play small, keep quiet, and restrict my fabulosity….to get my basic needs met.
Now just sit still for another sec and let that sink in….because it’s bloody ouchy yes?
Yes it is.
How had this happened? Where had this come from?
Well I’m not alone here I know but once again for the respect of all involved lets just say my childhood was a little tricky.
Its was also loving and wonderful, and awkward and dreadful but right now we’re talking about the tricky stuff ok? Stick with me!
One of the things I have retrospectively understood is that children growing up in abusive environments learn to make a whole bunch of stuff that isn’t ok .. ok. Your a kid, someone else provides a roof over your head and puts food on the table and presents under the xmas tree. All these things and the stuff that isn’t ok are somehow linked in your child mind so you just make it ALL ok…. its the reality.
You learn real quick that to keep quiet, make it all ok and keep the peace is a really important skill and all this is linked to getting some basic needs met, and being loved…. thats also a really basic need BTW!
Gawd that’s heavy right?!!
Now many years later as a grown woman running her own business I’ve been busy working out how to ‘attract wealth’ and ‘manifest abundance’ …. you get the picture. For the first time instead of doing all the usual woo woo, om shanti courses I know and love…. I started taking some more mainstream business courses.
Now to say that I had some resistance to this is a MASSIVE understatement! But where there is resistance there is juice… so off I trotted. It turns out the bunch of people I was to do these courses with knew a thing or two, but still…. there was resistance.
So back to the day of my aha moment.
Here I was noticing all this resistance to working through my stuff. To learning new ways to run my business and attract abundance in all its forms. I was also living in what I now affectionately call Fear Soup.
This unhealthy relationship I was in brought to my attention that I REALLY avoid at all costs ANYTHING (in relationships) that feels uncomfortable and will twist myself into all manner of pretzel shapes to avoid being in that uncomfortable situation. This usually includes playing small, ‘keeping nice’ and experiencing what ever unacceptable behaviour comes my way to keep the peace.
Now as anyone with any experience in ‘woo woo ‘ practices will know, that until you GET the lesson, the universe will keep sending you a bigger and louder version of the lesson you are refusing to see.
So I continued to live in Fear Soup and the incidents of scary totally not ok behaviour escalated and my abusive relationship with myself continued.
Let me be really clear here that by referring to my relationship with myself I am not making anything that isn’t ok ok.
If your reading this and your in an unsafe situation
and there are things happening in your life that your not ok with.
Then they are NOT ok.
For me in writing this and recognising the internal environment that I had going on lets me step away from the duality of victim and perpetrator. I’m not interested in that model at all. AT ALL. By acknowledging my beliefs and experiences I get to be self empowered and thats a pretty big deal.
So things finally got to the point where I was so emotionally uncomfortable that I had no where else to go but to feel the discomfort I was in. I remember that I could barely even sit still. I couldn’t meditate, I couldn’t write. I had numbed out totally in a bid to avoid feeling what was going on for me and what was getting louder and more obviously not ok in my relationship.
Then one day there was no where else to run and the discomfort of not feeling was suddenly more uncomfortable than feeling. So finally I just sat with being very uncomfortable and scared and not knowing….. and I didn’t even have to do it for very long until…. Shazam!
I uncovered that little gem of a belief that says its ok to be treated like crap and to play small as long as someone says they love you and are going to provide for you. This had lived in my brain for all these years kept ‘safe’ by the fact that I was never going to go near it as it was so damn uncomfortable! You starting to see how this all works? How these beliefs protect themselves, yes?
I saw very clearly why I would have been attracted to this particular relationship and that truly the only way for me to uncover this limiting belief was to blow it up nice and large with surround sound so I would see it for what it is.
Money, safety, self worth and the belief that I am enough and worthy of love free of charge with no catch with no need to fix, salvage, or experience abuse are all wrapped up in one rather warped little package….. or I should say WERE wrapped up.
So now this is a pretty damn big deal…. I mean a really big deal, this I think truly was the most freeing moment of my life, no kidding. Whilst its all very fabulous to broadcast ones AHA moments on the interweb for the entire planet to witness I’m not really that much of an extrovert and this is a REALLY sensitive topic. As I said earlier I have sat on this post for a long time and its continued to blink at me, waiting for the time to be right, why? Well I think its because as women in business heck as women full stop we need to be having more open conversations like this. Conversations with more options available to us other than, victim and perpetrator.
As a woman I am by no means alone in these links, assumptions and beliefs, and so long as they are running unchecked in your subconscious (my/our subconscious)…. they are running the show, THE. WHOLE. SHOW. setting the bar for how much your going to be valued (regardless of how many attract wealth courses you do) and how well your going to be treated, by yourself as well as others.
I have conversations around these topics all the time with my coaching clients, because to truly shine and be all of you unrestricted by these beliefs we need to go digging a little. Not all the time. Not until your ready.
Another push to publish this post was a reading a blog from a new author @KateNorthrup. I have inhaled with delight her first book #moneyalovestory. Its just divine. In it she talks about these sorts of associations we have with money and self worth and the physical symptoms that can show up and certainly did for me. It was a bittersweet moment of validation as a I read her book and in it the whispered words of encouragement … share your story, it has value…..
For me there is a very large space now that needs to be filled with healthy values about self respect and self love and self worth that will set the tone for all transactions and currencies in my future. Within relationships, work settings, heavens even the pricing on the content of my work hinges on these beliefs.
Before we can go setting the new programs, we have to dig deep, we have to be prepared to sit still in the uncomfortable places with ourselves and reveal whats underlying our experiences that is helping to create such a dysfunctional reality. (Be that the bullying boss the abusive spouse or financial situation that despite ‘all the right things’ just isn’t budging )
So my situation eventually improved. I managed to extricate myself out of the relationship I was in. None too gracefully I might add! I didn’t talk about it for quite some time. For those people who weren’t in my closest Goddess Circle who knew the situation, it looked like I was walking away from the perfect relationship. Thats how these things work. But now a year down the track, I comfort myself with the understanding that on a soul level we had an agreement. That he would treat me is such an appalling way so I would learn the most important lesson of my life. Thats how I see it now. Trust is slow to rebuild. Those synapses are slow to transform, but I’m getting there. And so will you gorgeous reader. I know you will. Be brave, be bold. Value yourself ok, ’cause your so damn loveable. Yes you are!