Sex + Wealth + Self Esteem

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I have been sitting on this post for a long time. About a year actually. Its taken that long for me to be really sure there was a necessary message here and that I wasn’t coming from a reactive place, because for a long time I was. You see this is a pretty personal post, but one after a lot of deliberation I really want to share.

I woke up one day last year, to find myself in an abusive relationship. There,  I said it. Done.

The tricky thing is that I wasn’t just in one abusive relationship. I was in two. One with the man I was with and one with myself. I’ll let you sit with this for a moment because its an important thing to understand, that one couldn’t happen without the other. This has nothing to do with blame or fault or making things that aren’t ok, ok. Its about knowing what kind of environment things need to grow in.

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Let me give you a bit of a back story to this monumental day in my life, the day I set myself free from a lifetimes belief that bound me to thinking small, dreaming small and keeping myself playing small when in relationships… which is to say, all the time, forever since the beginning of time!

I’m not great at being in a relationship and taking care of myself… out of respect for your boredom and the people involved lets just let that sit as a happy generalisation. (No one got hurt in the making of that generalisation so we’re going to run with it)

But what I learnt that day is that I had been hard wired somehow to believe that within an intimate relationship I needed to play small, keep quiet, and restrict my fabulosity….to get my basic needs met.

Now just sit still for another sec and let that sink in….because it’s bloody ouchy yes?

Yes it is.

How had this happened? Where had this come from?

Well I’m not alone here I know but once again for the respect of all involved lets just say my childhood was a little tricky.

Its was also loving and wonderful, and awkward and dreadful but right now we’re talking about the tricky stuff ok? Stick with me!

One of the things I have retrospectively understood is that children growing up in abusive environments learn to make a whole bunch of stuff that isn’t ok .. ok.  Your a kid, someone else provides a roof over your head and puts food on the table and presents under the xmas tree. All these things and the stuff that isn’t ok are somehow linked in your child mind so you just make it ALL ok…. its the reality.

You learn real quick that to keep quiet, make it all ok and keep the peace is a really important skill and all this is linked to getting some basic needs met, and being loved…. thats also a really basic need BTW!

Gawd that’s heavy right?!!

Now many years later as a grown woman running her own business I’ve been busy working out how to ‘attract wealth’ and ‘manifest abundance’  …. you get the picture. For the first time instead of doing all the usual woo woo, om shanti courses I know and love…. I started taking some more mainstream business courses.

Now to say that I had some resistance to this is a MASSIVE understatement! But where there is resistance there is juice… so off I trotted. It turns out the bunch of people I was to do these courses with knew a thing or two, but still…. there was resistance.

 

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So back to the day of my aha moment.

Here I was noticing all this resistance to working through my stuff. To learning new ways to run my business and attract abundance in all its forms. I was also living in what I now affectionately call Fear Soup.

This unhealthy relationship I was in brought to my attention that I REALLY avoid at all costs ANYTHING (in relationships) that feels uncomfortable and will twist myself into all manner of pretzel shapes to avoid being in that uncomfortable situation. This usually includes playing small, ‘keeping nice’ and experiencing what ever unacceptable behaviour comes my way to keep the peace.

Now as anyone with any experience in ‘woo woo ‘ practices will know, that until you GET the lesson, the universe will keep sending you a bigger and louder version of the lesson you are refusing to see.

So I continued to live in Fear Soup and the incidents of scary totally not ok behaviour escalated and my abusive relationship with myself continued.

Let me be really clear here that by referring to my relationship with myself I am not making anything that isn’t ok ok.

If your reading this and your in an unsafe situation

and there are things happening in your life that your not ok with.

Then they are NOT ok.

Period.

For me in writing this and recognising the internal environment that I had going on lets me step away from the duality of victim and perpetrator. I’m not interested in that model at all. AT ALL. By acknowledging my beliefs and experiences I get to be self empowered and thats a pretty big deal.

 So things finally got to the point where I was so emotionally uncomfortable that I had no where else to go but to feel the discomfort I was in. I remember that I could barely even sit still. I couldn’t meditate,  I couldn’t write. I had numbed out totally in a bid to avoid feeling what was going on for me and what was getting louder and more obviously not ok in my relationship.

Then one day there was no where else to run and the discomfort of not feeling was suddenly more uncomfortable than feeling. So finally I just sat with being very uncomfortable and scared and not knowing….. and I didn’t even have to do it for very long until…. Shazam!

I uncovered that little gem of a belief that says its ok to be treated like crap and to play small as long as someone says they love you and are going to provide for you. This had lived in my brain for all these years kept ‘safe’ by the fact that I was never going to go near it as it was so damn uncomfortable! You starting to see how this all works? How these beliefs protect themselves, yes?

I saw very clearly why I would have been attracted to this particular relationship and that truly the only way for me to uncover this limiting belief was to blow it up nice and large with surround sound so I would see it for what it is.

Money, safety, self worth and the belief that I am enough and worthy of love free of charge with no catch with no need to fix, salvage, or experience abuse are all wrapped up in one rather warped little package….. or I should say WERE wrapped up.

So now this is a pretty damn big deal…. I mean a really big deal, this I think truly was the most freeing moment of my life, no kidding. Whilst its all very fabulous to broadcast ones AHA moments on the interweb for the entire planet to witness I’m not really that much of an extrovert and this is a REALLY sensitive topic. As I said earlier I have sat on this post for a long time and its continued to blink at me, waiting for the time to be right, why? Well I think its because  as women in business heck as women full stop we need to be having more open conversations like this. Conversations with more options available to us other than, victim and perpetrator.

As a woman I am by no means alone in these links, assumptions and beliefs, and so long as they are running unchecked in your subconscious (my/our subconscious)…. they are running the show, THE. WHOLE. SHOW. setting the bar for how much your going to be valued (regardless of how many attract wealth courses you do) and how well your going to be treated, by yourself as well as others.

I have conversations around these topics all the time with my coaching clients, because to truly shine and be all of you unrestricted by these beliefs we need to go digging a little. Not all the time. Not until your ready.

Another push to publish this post was a reading a blog from a new author @KateNorthrup. I have inhaled with delight her first book #moneyalovestory. Its just divine. In it she talks about these sorts of associations we have with money and self worth and the physical symptoms that  can show up and certainly did for me. It was a bittersweet moment of validation as a I read her book and in it the whispered words of encouragement … share your story, it has value…..

For me there is a very large space now that needs to be filled with healthy values about self respect and self love and self worth that will set the tone for all transactions and currencies in my future. Within relationships, work settings, heavens even the pricing on the content of my work hinges on these beliefs.

Before we can go setting the new programs, we have to dig deep, we have to be prepared to sit still in the uncomfortable places with ourselves and reveal whats underlying our experiences that is helping to create such a dysfunctional reality. (Be that the bullying boss the abusive spouse or financial situation that despite ‘all the right things’ just isn’t budging )

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So my situation eventually improved. I managed to extricate myself out of the relationship I was in. None too gracefully I might add! I didn’t talk about it for quite some time. For those people who weren’t in my closest Goddess Circle who knew the situation, it looked like I was walking away from the perfect relationship. Thats how these things work. But now a year down the track, I comfort myself with the understanding that on a soul level we had an agreement. That he would treat me is such an appalling way so I would learn the most important lesson of my life. Thats how I see it now. Trust is slow to rebuild. Those synapses are slow to transform, but I’m getting there. And so will you gorgeous reader. I know you will. Be brave, be bold. Value yourself ok, ’cause your so damn loveable. Yes you are!

xx

K

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“Here is your sign” (said the universe to the human)

I had a day not so long ago, that simply looked like this ……..

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I know I’m not alone.

I know it won’t be the last day I experience that overwhelming hectic paced busy mind. So busy and noisy that I wondered not once but probably a million times that day that maybe I might just go crazy. So on this day when my mind was a scribble of noise and clashing thoughts, I still did the laundry. I still walked the dog. I still went to work.

And all the while the noise raged on. And on. And on.

I spent the day watching this noise in what I believed was a detached albeit very frustrated way. Like someone had left the TV on with my most disliked show playing on endless repeat and I couldn’t switch it off. At all. Ever. It was exhausting.

As I was leaving work that night my mind raged on. I walked to the car park through the open field into the night. I reached the car park where it was lit but the dark night sky extended above me.

I was alone.

I sighed a big outloud exasperated sigh and pondered to myself how on Earth I was meant to create my magical world with my mind going over and over all the possible disastrous things that were of course in its worse case scenario setting going to happen to me. I wondered in that way where you can have what feels like one hundred thoughts in a split second. Thoughts become things Keri I thought to myself. Thoughts become things. And I sighed again and and thought out aloud.

Give. Me. A. Sign.

 

 

And this is what happened …….

Looking for a sign

Credit:Huffington Post

I couldn’t make this up if I tried. Before the word ‘sign’ was completely out of my mouth a star shot across the sky. It took about 5 seconds to finish its journey. Thats not a short amount of time, count it out now if you like.

One thousand, two thousand, three thousand, four thousand, five thousand.  It had a tail and everything!

My mouth was literally hanging open and I’m pretty sure I swore out loud to no one but the universe in particular. That’s the classy sort of gal I am.

And my mind was quiet.

 

I still get goosebumps thinking about this night as I write this. I don’t pretend to know exactly what the sign was for, but I’m guessing for me it means I’m not alone, I am loved, there is a point to all of it.

I remember thinking that here I was watching light that has made its way across the galaxy, witnessing something indescribable that probably happened aeons ago….. what are we all doing here on planet Earth if not witnessing each others light?

What I learnt that night though, was that you get the best view from a distant vantage point, so don’t doubt for one second Gorgeous One that your light is wasted, that its not seen, not bright enough or important enough. Your magic is being witnessed.

If your looking for a sign, waiting to be given the magical green light. Then this is it. GO!.

Shine your starlight .

x

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Healing @ Home!

Theres a lot of talk in my world about walking the talk. To be truthful it’s probably a good thing. As a healer/therapist type its too easy to book your work up, fill your ‘spare’ time up with family, admin, and all the other things that seem necessary in our daily existence then wonder why you hit burn out. So with that in mind I thought I would share with you the first in my series of…

Beautiful day in the life…. 

 

Heres how you do it.

1. Grab two super besties…. insert Jac Jac and Jo Jo! (Yes we have repetitive code names… of course we do)

2. Set the space up with intention, presence, joy and magic and LOVE

3. Grab your crystals, oracle cards and all your therapist goodies…. insert hot stones, black sesame oil, subtle energy potions and lotions, singing bowls. Oh and of course your own super powers.

 

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4. Aaaaand Repeat with regularity!

x

Magical Thinking

Once upon a time  I was a hippy chick, well actually I was a punker hippy chick…. Yes really! Faux fur leopard print hot pants and black gothic lace and pixie hair just to prove it. I did pagan things and believed in witch craft… you know like on Charmed!

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Ummmm Yep thats me at 21!

 

I had talismans and Goddesses all over my house and celebrated the turning of the seasons with feasts and parties. I even left a piece of my birthday cake out side for the fairies each year. Yup I really did!

Over the years since then, with travel, age and life experience my focus has changed. I surely haven’t become ‘straight or normal’… whatever that looks like, but the grandiose practices have given way to observing the magical in everyday life. When life has become hectic I have celebrated the turning of seasons with a nod, a midnight walk or a cup of rose tea at sunrise.

There are less talismans heaving on every surface… ok well except the owls and the unicorns of course… but I have felt that less was more and that power or strength came from with in me and that there was less need for external reminders.

So when I stumbled across Violet Gray on ETSY I was looking for a beautiful gift for my bestie…. Saturn Return can REALLY suck, I wanted something gorgeous and magical to remind her of her own beauty and magic. Et Viola!.. a new addiction had begun! And I was back in the magical talisman territory!

E-stalking some  gorgeous pieces a few month later for myself I found  this bracelet ” Communicate” and I knew it was mine!

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This year ahead is very much about communication for me; writing, blogging and speaking, so the intention of its creation and the symbolism of the crystals really spoke to me.

Talismans like this don’t suddenly bestow magical new abilities upon us (thus far.. but I WILL get back to you on that!)  I believe though that they are a gorgeous token of focus and reasurance to remind me when I look down to speak my truth and shine my light! The crystals themselves encourage us to resonate with their intended  frequencies, just by being what they are.

Thats practical magic at work!

 

Do you employ magical thinking in your day?

What magical reminders do you wear or have in your space to offer you a reminder of your own strength?

I’d love to hear about them.

To comment below just click the tiny ‘comment’ … yes it is tiny… I’m working on that!

xx

 

Soul Coaching

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So I have been super procrastinating. I mean 5 star, award winning procrastinating, so much so that I have been productively procrastinating so I wouldn’t (hopefully) notice. Cupboards have been tidied, ovens cleaned, bookshelves dusted, files filed. Its been amazing! I’ve had people helping me add copy to my website (because you see I cant do anything until I’ve got all this sorted! ) oh me oh my its been extraordinary!

I even have months and months of blogs written, ready to roll… once of course I have everything else in place and its all perfect….. all of it!

You can see where this is going yes?

I’ve been struck down with perfectionista procrastinatoria … hmmm yup! That’s Latin for omg I’msofreakinscaredofcoming out of the cupboardandbeingseenandtheyareall probably going to think I’mafreak!!!

Did you get that?

Can you relate at all?

That is until the day before yesterday.

I received a message that broke my heart, cracked me wide open and made me cry, and has continued to make me cry every time I think about it. This was followed by another message that continued to increase the water volume from my face. These weren’t however, sad tears. They we happy joyous tears of gratitude and amazement. And they kicked me up the bottom and said..

“well bloody well get on with it, get out there, be you and shine because even on your worst day you just don’t know how much of a difference you might be making”

And so I am.

This isn’t my ego talking. This is one of the most humble moments of my life.

This gorgeous woman sent me a message out of the blue that thanked me for being me and to let me know that without even being a client of mine or seeing me in person recently she imagined the lovely things I might say to her on days when she really needed some help. And that it helped and she was grateful. Holy cow I’m tearing up just thinking about this.
So I gushed as I am now, thanked her for her vulnerability and sent her my ebook (that I wrote whilst I was being a perfectionista procrastinatoria) in the spirit of more inspiration and love.
I’ve printed out her return message this morning and put it on my white board. I may share her words here at some point down the track but for the moment they are a precious reminder that we don’t have to get it all right and perfect and it doesn’t have to be the most extraordinary thing ever to make a difference in this world. Words cannot express the emotions I felt whilst reading her message and the humble tears of gratitude that fell. The silent Thank You sent out to the universe that I get to do this for “work”

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