Creating a relationship with your trust muscle can be a meandering path. It can be hit and miss, a dance between genuine procrastination, impatience and truly knowing to trust the feeling that says.
“Stop. Wait please”.
Back in this post where I talked about trusting my soul, I talked about this exact funny feeling, this sense of knowing that showed up with a big fat strong NO every time I tried to book a holiday, go on retreat or other wise plan this two week block of time around my birthday.
It had taken me some head wrangling to make sure that I took this time off, and there was a sense that I had to do something. Then I would get a sense that something was going to happen, I even had the temerity to think hmmm perhaps I’m going to move house? But heavens that was a terrifying prospect. How? With whom? Where? TERRIFYING! I had only been in my new house for just over 6 months!
And then, I would try again to work out ‘what I was going to do’ on my holiday and be greeted with that same feeling STOP!
Was this procrastination? Fear? or was I just meant to stop?
Well there’s a novel idea. What if I just trust this feeling and trust the answers will be revealed to me in good time because the universe is after all benevolent? And I mostly have a clue and have been quite good at creating my life. What if?
So about 2 weeks out from my birthday my sister and I came to a decision to book a house in Byron Bay hinterland for three nights luxury lushing out. Phew! Something was booked even if it was only three days . And then.
And then my bestie-wifey suggested not for the first time “come with me and check out my mums house, the tenants are leaving soon”
Now let me preface this by saying that I am an absolute suburb snob. I have been living within walking distance to the ocean for the last 8 years, and by walking I mean often literally on the beach front. This new house was in the suburbs, insert ‘I just sucked a lemon’ face.
It was with an haughty air that I agreed to look at said house, but lets be clear here I am not moving to the suburbs Sarah. And with a great deal of patience Sarah humored me. “Yes Keri”
Another girlfriend of ours had recently moved to house sit around the corner. She was the one I mentioned in the post about trusting my soul who had been to the retreat with Sera Beak that Sarah was now booked in to go to.
When we took this picture here we had taken off on a ‘charmed day’ in Byron, we ate, shopped and when this photo was taken offered up a toast to ‘one day living in a charmed house together’. When this could possible happen was off in the distance one day; Belinda was about to move to San Francisco with her man I was just about to move into my own apartment and Sarah had been living with her boyfriend for ages.
Fast forward 10 months and the three of us are in Elanora looking at a house.
The house that has the ocean view, the necessary rooms for our businesses the multiple bathrooms for privacy the big kitchen for late night tea parties. The house that feels sunny and light and spacious. The house that Ruben gets the run of. Oh and it has pool too. Did I mention that?
The house also that we needed to move into in 10 days time when Sarah was already overseas at Soul Fire Retreat.
The first weekend of my holiday.
Its one thing to post these inspirational memes, but another to truly embody them.
What I need, what I am desiring with all of my heart is looking for me too.
The thing is that I need to bloody well get out of the way. It’s possible we all do!
There is no way I would have looked here for this house there is no way my very clever mind would have taken me away from the beach front to get my ocean view.
I don’t believe that his house is somehow a pixie dust utopia that will save me from the trials and tribulations of living on planet Earth but I do trust that this is exactly where I need to be.
Trust that gut feeling.
Create a relationship with this feeling and it will not lead you astray.
It may well be uncomfortable because you may have to wait for things.
There is a difference between this and procrastination. I very much hope this helps.
I’d love to hear about it.
What happens when you make plans and your ‘Soul’ has other ideas?
The soul, in many religious, philosophical and mythological traditions, is the incorporeal and, in many conceptions, immortal essence of a living thing (wikipedia)
I’m not sure about you but there seems to be much more emphasis on this sort of work in the personal growth spiritual world I inhabit from time to time. Less rules and more ‘your chosen path’ is how it seems to me, and about bloody time! I have often felt quite radical in my approach to health and spirituality and what is now called wellness.
For a very long time the options were often very black and white either you ate meat or you didn’t you either subscribed to one particular spiritual teaching or you didn’t. There was no chopping and choosing there was no blending. And from the very outset this felt incredibly disempowering.
But who was I? Some jumped up hippy chick wearing way too little clothing mouthing off at the ahem ‘spiritual’ establishment? Eating what she ‘felt’ was right, subscribing to a little bit of this and a little bit of that. Yup.
Flash forward so many years and one too many episodes of looking outside myself for answers that can only lie within. I found myself questioning my choices, questioning my place, wishing like hell that there was some sort of clan or tribe or tradition that I could cling too while every known thing in my life was washed away.
There was just me.
A disruptive woman on a mission
to come home to herself.
It has been quite the crash landing.
So when I read Red Hot and Holy by Sera Beak I didn’t so much read it, as inhale it, in two big juicy giant gulps. Like air I didn’t know I was in desperate lack of. The second segment of the book I read on a flight to Bali. I had three seats to myself. I opened at the page I was up to, turned to the new chapter and read ‘now go get yourself a glass of red wine’ I hit the attendant button. I usually make a fairly consistent rule of not drinking on flights. Those rule just went out the door. My soul needed some red wine. So I read and I drank red wine at 20000 feet or however many feet your meant to be at….. ‘Up High Somewhere’ (thats what it would say on my Instagram location )
The Back Story
My gorgeous friend Belinda had come back to Australia recently and told us (my wifey and I) about this amazing retreat she had just been to in Montana and this Woman and her book.
WE. JUST. HAD.TO. READ.
Sarah and I instantly planned to go to Montana in 2015. Together in the Red Freakin Tent! Oh. Yeah!
Fast forward to 2015. (Hey! Hi there! We’re in the future now! ) Sarah had already booked holiday time, contacted Sera Beak and got her shizzle well and truly sorted.
I had a few things to get my head around, moving house to name just one such thing. I eventually put fingers to keys and popped Sera an email, detailing my interest, my history a bit about my journey so far and the fact that Belinda and Sarah had been and were going, and good heavens I truly wished to be present at Feather Pipe Lodge stay in a Yurt for heavens sake, travel and swoon with the magic of it all. Please. Can I come?
There was this feeling. Not nameable. But a sensation that said. Hmmmmmmm . When I told the girls that I had emailed Sera there were whoops of joy and high fives (and a few fuck yeahs) ‘Oh your going to have such an amazing time Keri’
then I said “Well loves, it doesn’t quite feel like its decided yet.” If I had to describe it, it feels like my higher self, my team in the sky so to speak are all sitting around having the cosmic equivalent of a board meeting and they cant quite agree how its all going to happen… We need her to be there then… but how are we going to get those people there at the same time? and really? I don’t know if ‘this’ can all happen in time for ‘that’ It was like a pantomime but with cosmic overtones.
Two days at the most later I received an email from Sera. One of the warmest emails I have ever received letting me know that soul to soul going to her retreat wasn’t in my best interest. It just wasn’t on my souls path and, its not personal you understand, its just the nature of what we do, to check in and be 100% sure that everyone there is meant to be there. She might have even said something to the effect of my soul gliding gracefully past on its way to its own destination.
I mean seriously! My first thought was amazement at the level of integrity you must have to turn people away from your retreat. That kind of care and respect at a soul level is the real deal. Not an easy path to tread I might imagine. But SUCH a delicious feeling to be held in that space I have to tell you. So I expected to feel a bit let down, or bummed out or perhaps even miffed ‘that I wasn’t good enough’ (or some such nonsense) But actually it felt completely fine. Oddly fine.
This is what trust in self feels like I thought to myself.
Remember this feeling.
So often we look outside of ourself for the answers. There is nothing wrong with asking for help and assistance and being educated. Not at all. When seeking answers to our life direction though; what might be the right path to take, do I do this or choose that? We need first to really educate ourselves in the tone of our souls voice.
Does it whisper?
Does it howl?
Does it tingle up your spine?
We must differentiate between our souls true voice and the many nagging voices that would lead us down the streets of should and must and no choice and I told you so.
Take some time out to cultivate this relationship with yourself, you will not be disappointed. It may lead you on some wild journeys, but they will be yours.
Since all this some opportunities have come up that I have been waiting years for actually, opportunities and events that weren’t meant to happen this year that I will be able to attend. The one thing that I have learnt is that if I listen and trust this voice it does make sense eventually … most of the time.
But you know, I am still a human woman and it would be nice if my soul could send me a post card from the future and at least tell me what I might want to pack for this amazing future I’m gliding toward.
You know. Just saying.